Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ask the Experts


Richard III reviews the new HBO series "Game of Thrones"

Politically-motivated beheadings....Hounds ripping out men's throats....Cruel child killings...A brilliant and deformed man...
A forced political marriage between a delicate flower of a girl and a proud brute of a warrior. What can I say? I'm hooked!

The brilliance of this show is that it finally writes the correct history of me and my reign. I can only assume that R.R. Martin wanted to call this "Richard III's Rightful, Awe-Inspiring Rise to the English Throne," but was forced to change it because of some copyright issue or some knuckle-headed studio executive who should watch his back and not go near any vats of mumsey.

Any-hoo, Tyrion Lannister, the genius dwarf, is obviously a reference to my wronged treatment at the hands of the foul Tudor historians. I'm 6' 2" on a bad day. Look it up.

For the most part, though, the writers have done an excellent job accurately portraying my accomplishments through the figures of Khal Drogo, Warlord of the Dothraki, and Jaime Lannister, incestuous heartthrob and conniving politician. (I am, of course, too legendary to be encompassed by just one character.)

Drogo, who claims the waifish Daenerys Tagaryen as his bride in exchange for helping her brother take back his throne, is almost as sexy as I was when I got Anne to sleep with me even though I'd killed her father-in-law and her husband. Last night's episode, where she aks her servingwoman to show her the ways of love that she learned in a brothel so that she can pleasure Khal Drogo, was a perfect example of how weak women are when faced with pure, undistilled masculinity.

And the little prince getting shoved out of the tower window by the Lannister queen's brother/lover? Hello? They just stole that one right out of my playbook.

So tune into this show if you want to get the true story of how I got it done.





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