Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:


Filler or Botox?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:


For Hamlet, and the trifling of his favour,
Hold it a fashion, and a toy in blood;
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent- sweet, not lasting;
The perfume and suppliance of a minute;
No more. (Hamlet 1.3.4-8)


INTERPRETATION:

I love this part! Laertes, dispensing some priceless advice to his kid sister, Ophelia: Hamlet's just trying to play you, girl, so don't let him get into your pants. He's fickle--just like your youth and beauty, OK? 


But see, that's exactly it, Shake-Ball! In the modern age of aesthetic procedures, Shakespeare's hand-wringing about youth and age and withering away is kind of dated, right? Is that what you're trying to tell me? 


Or are you saying that people (like Laertes) are going to make obnoxious age comments no matter what? Are you just mocking me? I'm sure you're not mocking me, Shake-Ball. Because that would be mean. And super bitchy. 

Suburbs of Our Discontent

Dear Ghost of Hamlet's Father:

I am currently stranded at Chicago O'Hare airport after spending a lovely weekend away from my offspring with my lawfully wedded husband. I am not an adulterate beast; however, I suspect that I am the reason for our plane's mechanical failure and subsequent inability to get home to the children we left behind in the care of a non-family member who is antsy to get back home in time to watch "The Bachelorette" with her girlfriend. Whenever I travel, mechanical problems and other delays dog me. My husband didn't believe this until now, when I ruined his perfect travel record. I have very powerful negative travel juju. Anyway, I know you are a long-time resident of Purgatory--where I and my husband will be living for the foreseeable future. Any advice?

Please write me back as soon as possible (or come for a visit--I'm sure I'll be here past the witching hour!)

Sincerely,
Caroline
Terminal C, gate 15
Chicago O'Hare

Homebaked Shakespeare

Just in Time for Your Memorial Day Weekend BBQ!

•The Weird Sisters' Secret Punch

Ingredients

One gallon red "Kool-aid"
Three eyes of newt
1 liver of blaspheming Jew (can substitute with heart of an abortionist or bladder of a Muslim)
1 lip of Turk
2 cups gin

Mix together and refrigerate at least one hour before imbibing. Serve with ice ring if serving in cauldron.

•Titus' Hamburger Pie Surprise


Ingredients


Crust
One pound lard
2 cups flour


Filling
Three pounds "meat," hair picked out and finely ground
2 tablespoons fresh oregano
1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce

Topping
Ore Ida Tater Tots
Ketchup

Mix together crust ingredients and roll out flat. Place in bottom of large pie plate. Mix together filling ingredients and top with tater tots and ketchup. Place in preheated kiln and bake until aromatic.

Shakespeare at Large

It's too bad Mark and Priscilla didn't ask for my help planning their wedding, because I could have given them the perfect Shakespeare quote for their program or their vows. Oh, well. I guess they can post it on Facebook. Get it? It's a quote about faces and books and love.

Lady Capulet:


What say you? can you love the gentleman?
This night you shall behold him at our feast;
Read o'er the volume of young Paris' face,
And find delight writ there with beauty's pen;
Examine every married lineament,
And see how one another lends content
And what obscured in this fair volume lies
Find written in the margent of his eyes.
This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him, only lacks a cover:


Call me, Mark. I got a million of these things.

Ask the Experts

"American Idol" Re-Cap
by Juliet Capulet

Okay. So I just watched the "American Idol" Finale and I am sooooo excited that Phillip Phillips won!!! Well, I didn't really watch the whole two hours because I was mashing with my rich boyfriend Paris, but I totally saw the end part where they announced the winner and oh my God Phillip Phillips is soooo HOT! Me and my girlfriends texted like 800 votes for him before my father took my phone away because he is such a lame-ass. Whatever. I totally have another secret phone. RAFLMAO!

So when they announced Phillip Phillips won he sung his new song "Home," but then he started crying and couldn't sing, which made him even HOTTER!! And then a piece of paper confetti fell in his mouth and he had to pick it out and OMG I would DIE if I could be that piece of confetti!!

So the only problem with him is his name which is like, what is up with that? Were his parents too lazy to think of a first name? I mean, they do seem kinda poor and they talk weird, but maybe they should have thought like two seconds about his name.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

How long until I see the effects of the massive bag of Baked Lay's I just ate? Is it possible that my body will just forget about it in the morning?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

	I will instruct my sorrows to be proud;
	For grief is proud and makes his owner stoop.
	To me and to the state of my great grief
	Let kings assemble; for my grief's so great
	That no supporter but the huge firm earth
	Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit. --King John, 3.1.70-5

INTERPRETATION:


I take it that, yes, the Baked Lays have already housed themselves in my upper thighs, but I should just accept my regret and grief about the whole thing. Maybe wallow in another bag of them?

Suburbs of My Discontent

Oh, Cressida! Why art thou so insecure?

The Actors' Shakespeare Project did a brilliant production of Troilus and Cressida this season, which I was fortunate to see yesterday. The last time I encountered this play was in grad school (!), and I remember thinking that Cressida was lame and kind of slutty.

But I found myself more charitable towards her this time (because age make us more charitable towards everyone?). I loved her painfully honest concern that admitting her affection for Troilus will make him lose interest:

Cressida: Boldness comes to me now, and brings me heart: -
Prince Troilus, I have lov'd you night and day, 
For many weary months. 
Troilus: Why was my Cressid then so hard to win? 
Cressida: Hard to seem won; but I was won, my lord, 
With the first glance that ever Pardon me; 
If I confess much, you will play the tyrant. 
I love you now ; but not, till now, so much 
But I might master it. In faith, I lie; 
My thoughts were like unbridled children, grown 
Too headstrong for their mother. See, we fools! 
Why have I blabb'd? Who shall be true to us, 
When we are so unsecret to ourselves? 
But, though I lov'd you well, I woo'd you not; 
And yet, good faith, I wish'd myself a man; 
Or that we women had men's privilege 
Of speaking first. Sweet, bid me hold my tongue; 
For, in this rapture, I shall surely speak 
The thing I shall repent. See, see ! your silence, 
Cunning in dumbness, from my weakness draws 
My very soul of counsel: Stop my mouth. 


What do we make, then, of Cressida's quick change of heart with the Greek man she's forced to marry? In her hasty hook-up with Diomedes, just moments after she's made Troilus swear up and down to stay loyal, Cressida's actions are a poetic statement about the fragility of all human bonds, the futility of words, and the inherent craziness of all humans in matters of love and war. 


Standing O!